Grief

 Grief. The realization that nothing can fix it, nothing can make it better except the grace and peace of God through time. And here's the thing- getting through enough time for it not to break your heart over and over again is a long way off. 

My dad is gone and there is nothing that can bring him back. There is nothing that can erase the memory of the last few moments of life with him. Nothing that can stop the "if I had only known it was the last time..." thoughts running through my head. You think that maybe you've run out of tears when something so small like a Florida State football game and how much he would've loved it comes crashing through your heart and the tears flow again. 

People keep asking "how are you" and while I know they mean well and am truly thankful for their concern and I say "I'm fine", the truth is a part of me will never be ok again. There is a part of me that is broken and while it may mend, there will always be a deep scar. 

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I see and hear how my boys' voices break or eyes well with tears sometimes when they try to talk about him or say a prayer for my mom during the blessing at dinner. I know my brother lost his best friend. And my mom- well how do you move on when the love of your life you shared 50 years with leaves you behind? One day at a time seems like too much. Maybe minute by minute is a little more accurate. 

And the thing that stinks is on top of all of this grief there is this constant barrage of COVID-19 controversy that invades every part of our lives. It's everywhere. You can't escape it. What exactly are those of us who lost loved ones to COVID supposed to do with all of that? My dad was vaccinated. He did the responsible thing, yet he's not here. Do you think it hasn't crossed my mind that my dad could still be here if a larger percentage of people had chosen the vaccine? Maybe chosen the greater good? What do you do when "those people" are your friends and family? Do you think it's easy not to feel angry when I see the constant attempts to discredit experts who have dedicated their lives to preventing and treating viruses and/or caring for the sick? Or not feel completely disgusted by the arrogance of some- assuming their 16 month internet crash course in COVID or related topics qualifies them as an expert to save the masses (aka sheep) from certain death?  And by the way, the self- designated shepherds fall on both sides of the political aisle. 

Little reminders are everywhere that he's not here. Friday night football, work stuff I used to bounce off him, the pressure washer, talking about the boys, and the list goes on...

Grief is hard. Nonetheless, I will do what my dad taught me to do. Pick myself up, wipe my face and take one step at a time forward. Forward into a world without him but with memories and life lessons that will shape my life, as well as the lives of others, for decades to come.